Self-Manipulation & Time

When I think about self-manipulation I think about time. And I feel sad, sad like a victim and sad like a being who knows something deep to their core that something is off and having trouble putting it into words.

Even now.I was asked to write something about self-manipulation and my child’s ego state screams NO and now I am doing it. Self-Manipulation.

I have been asked to do so many things in my life. Most of them I did because I am so trained to follow stuff that is asked of me.

I notice how I am so hungry right now because I have not even eaten breakfast. I notice how I stood up early today because I had a meeting and my body actually needed one hour more. I noticed how time flies and I have less and less time to do what I want to happen because the day is filled with have-to.

Our societies have a weird relationship with time. And it is ruled by a parent ego state-based society coming out of a parent ego state-based school system being born by a parent ego state-based health system.

So tell me: How can I actually be an adult in a parent ego state or child ego state or gremlin ego state culture?

I didn’t figure it out yet.

I chose to hide. I chose to hide when I was 7 years old because I wanted connection. Anyway…

In Germany, we switch our time once a year where one hour is taken and then given again and it is a ritual. It is ritual that exactly when the moon cycle is serving your evolution and the year literally starts in autumn (moon in Aries), it is like putting a handbrake in your flow by externally slowing things down while you might be already planting seeds inside over the winter for you in spring to plant.

If you live according to the moon cycle this might disturb you.

It is not a natural concept to shift the time. It exists because the sky, and the sun was the ruler of our time and it should be but natural. Sun rules our time. Now the clock with its tails became the sun. This is occult. This is giving your center away to a thing and an authority that one decided that this is a ritual we will follow now. Call me crazy, I don’t care. Instead of being triggered research time and you will be amazed at what you figure out.

Go on a quest and put this question at your center: What is time really?

Because I want to be wrong!

When I was in school, I manipulated myself to be an adult as fast as I can, be faster than time. I ridiculed the child in me so that when I was old enough to leave school, I didn’t want to.

I remember when I was doing my exams I had this sentence in my head: „But there is so much I still want to do.“ I postponed it to another time, but that never came. And this is how a modern culture lives off, no? This was my conclusion of the adults i had seen.
I manipulated myself to write, figure out math problems, and learn what I was told to learn. I manipulated myself up to the point where I cut and screamed everything I had left of what I wanted to do out of my system.
I remember that I even slapped myself in the face when I didn’t want to do things and I knew I had to be finished with it for the next school day.

I integrated this parent ego state system that was presented to me into my body, I imprinted it into myself to survive. I gave my life, my energy, and my body to the system because this is what everyone else was doing and I wanted so badly to be a part of the group.

But I am not. The more I try to fit in the less it works.

I tried for one year with 180% of my time and energy to grow a business with Instagram and Facebook.

I stopped the experiment because I figured out that it is still a school construct for me. And I stepped out of it. I don’t want to go back.

What I collected over the years are many, many experiments that worked and experiments that failed. And that is what I can sincerely say, that I am an experimenter. And i feel glad about this ease.

I manipulated myself to be faster than my time and adapted, adapted to the doctor to give me the pill with 15, destroying my inner compass before I was even having a real knowledge of my compass, my menstrual cycle.
Today I give most of my time and energy to giving distinctions to young women to follow their inner compass.

The only thing I remember I didn’t manipulate myself in was movement.

Today the closest culture I would call I belong to is movement culture.
I am proud to have investigated my time and energy in moving my body.

What I want is to have kids around me who want to move and feel and experiment with movement. This is what I am here for.

Self-manipulation can go as deep as you want it to.

I feel safe to say I dedicated a lot of my system to it and it is not necessary to go that far to figure out that you are actually hurting yourself.

You are the best thing that ever happens to you.

Be that.